Bloop

Hong Kong 2011 AGAIN

2012-02-28T13:05:00.004+08:00

Went to Hong Kong in Dec. Handed in my application to HKU physically, in a big brown envelope. Wow it felt so good and I felt so important. Haha. Okay.

Our hotel sucked but this pick and dip thing stall just downstairs totally made up for it. Ate something whenever i walked past which would be like 6 times a day. I literally tried every single thing they were selling.

My family joined us up there. They look so spontaneous and lively over here.

Haha. Pub crawl. Night of supreme awesomeness. With this photo, we can play where's waldo, but the spastic hands version. Try spot Adwyn's hand.

I had to travel around with that thing called elena's hair. "It" is really too correct haha.

Haha this was my look gross day. But I didn't even get made fun of because Adwyn was stealing all my thunder with the stain on his pants.

Whee. Hong Kong overkill. This time without Henry around, I had to do all the work and can qualify as a half assed english only speaking guide.

I Did Go There

2012-02-20T16:08:00.002+08:00

Laneway 2012, one life goal complete. Quite a few of her song's are my favourites, but that still means she played one of my favourite songs.

It's been a nice way to cap off the mandatory double gap year called army. I feel changes. I'm suddenly 21, I have things to do with my life. I should pen down other things like my birthday, army summary, a huge recent failure and all the promises I have made to myself. Now is for some music though.

Resolution 2012

2011-12-31T02:24:00.003+08:00

Isn't it quite weird to talk about the resolution of the past year, and make resolutions for the future one? Like Matrix: Resolution would have to make sense more than one way.

2011 has been a happy year for me. No major regrets but lots of memories. Taking it one day at a time has helped me cope.

I probably will not have time for resolutions tomorrow.

So, 2012, hi. Please let me:

(a) Try to stop the end of the world.

(b) Quit the vice of smoking.

(c) Travel!

(d) Keep up with existing friends and get to know some people better :).

(e) Attend the school of my dreams.

(f) Work and Study hard.

(g) Be more responsible

(h) Attend church weekly

(i) Celebrate other people's birthdays / festive occasions more awesomely.

(j) Exercise regularly; go back to swimming.

Understanding.

2011-11-24T19:27:00.001+08:00

Drinking beer forces me to use the restroom pretty frequently. It happened again, just five minutes ago. Anyone who's been to Baden, holland village, knows of the downsides to drinking at a place with cheap happy hour beer, but only one restroom.

There was a girl standing outside the restroom, which usually indicates that it is currently occupied and I'd have to wait for at least that one more person before it's my turn. Fuck, right?

I looked at her for that confirmation of the "Oh Fuck" situation to see her looking back and me, crying. Not sobbing with audible hiccups but just tears and the look of trying to keep herself together.

How awkward for me because I jacked myself by not checking if the toilet was occupied or not, so I made that check: clear. And how awkward for her, trying to get somewhere private but inadvertently creating a situation where some stranger has to check you out at your most weak and vulnerable.

I looked back at her and we exchanged that look of knowing. I was saved from running to the holland village hawker centre toilet and she was saved from making me do that, but somehow it was made infinitely more awkward.

She was gone by the time I was out of the toilet, back to her table, and me back to mine. To her friend, it was smiles and laughter again, and I guess he didn't notice. He kept talking on the phone, generally relaxed and having a good time. She was shielding her face with her hair and looking down when (I suppose) she lost her composure.

When people cry it's like "help help, life sucks, what am I to do". The possibilities for why she'd be crying could be anything, but it's certain that she didn't want anyone else to know.

By chance I was put in a situation where I could recognize that deception unequivocally. Could I have answered someone's greatest moment of need with a simple "hope things will be alright / please smile instead", I don't know. But these gaps which beg to be bridged eat into me. Because I'd sure appreciate understanding that I'm not alone when I feel that the most. And that's not a very unique feeling. Next time, please do something about it.

2011-10-09T15:26:00.000+08:00

A few things came to my attention while going over the uni app essays I had written.

I am incredibly sentimental.

Also, the only writing thata I've done for most of the past two years exists in this blog. Hence I've taken direction too liberally. I bring up topics that interest me and these are meant to both reflect and show the formation of my psyche and predispositions. Writing that way is just not incisive enough. It sounds too detached and meandering because to the reader, it just looks like all these ideass are meaninglessly thrown around since I do not explicitly communicate how it applies to me on a daily basis.

Anyway the circle line is finally working! Cluny and holland are much more crowded now. In some sense I liked places like holland village and serene centre because they are places I grew up in. Now that they are so accessible it is different because all the bustle was hardly there before. That is just bias on my part because the circle line must be good for business and just making things easy.

Essays

2011-09-30T08:38:00.002+08:00

I haven't had anything to blog about. All my energies and all I want to say are being channelled into my university essays. Some are coming out nicely, others are too academic and some just have no feelings at all. Rest assured though, I'm trying to be as wild as I can with it.

Let me just run with that and maybe when it's all over I'll post some of the nice ones up.

2011-09-02T23:09:00.002+08:00

The idea that there could be someone out there, thinking of me, maybe praying for me, is something I find it so difficult to put my faith in. Because it would be too wonderful that when I am down and out, someone else is actually wishing me well, and despite whatever constraint of time and space, can't do it in person.

That's why if I have said any kind words to anyone, most of the time on their birthday, I really mean it, and I probably think of you more often than that. I can't be sure there are people who think of me the same way when I need it, but it is nice to believe so.

Anyway I thought I had gotten some exciting readership when all the comments on my blog turn out to be spam. Seriously a real let down.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

2011-08-31T02:44:00.002+08:00

Feeling dispensible would really make me feel worthless. As it is, transience is something that can be worried about. If everything is so temporary, how real can it be to you? And if it isn't real then why live, why hold on to anything at all. That IS the driving force behind all this search for truth. To find something immutable, everlasting - whether it be in art, philosophy, science, love, memories, experiences, religion.

And being dispensible just means you are on the receiving end of someone else's transitions. If everyone's life was to be described as cigarettes smoked, then someone dispensible is not even the guy smoking the cigarettes, but is another of those butts lying on the ground. It burned brightly for awhile, and if you're lucky there is still a smoking ember upon being discarded, and growing old and brown and trodden upon.

I had been feeling that way recently, but then recalled the story of Don Ritchie. Seriously go read about it and let that warm your heart as it did for mine. You can even play How to Save A Life on the side, because that would be really special to know.

2011-08-16T23:02:00.000+08:00

Certain ideas floating around got highlighted and ticked off.

Some of these make me extremely happy to be on the brink of new and exciting things.

Then there's one that contradicts the carefully woven faabric of an idea I hold dear. It took apart a base chord so that now I'm doing a deconstruction of the entire endeavour. It is eating every little thing up from the bottom up. It was by my account, that things panned out in this direction, since I pushed this catch-22 into being. I made the veil come off which spirals me down this rabbit hole. I actually want to believe in something else but I'm almost forced to jettison ship. I may do that if some other way out comes by, but for now I'm just trying to bail.

Anyway, a couple of questions.

Does singapore plant so many trees so that our soldiers will be camouflaged even in the urban environment? Because last I checked, the predominant colours in the urban environment are monochrome, or something close like beige, or red bricks. Basically not green, whether it's pixelized or not. I'm bringing this up because that's what the commentator on national day asserted.

Am I weird to be disturbed by coincidental family reunions over dinner?

2011-08-11T18:03:00.000+08:00

Doing my best in everything seems incongruent with how I am no longer willing to cover for my flaws. It is not a "cannot be bothered" attitude in the sense that I get lazy to shave and clip my finger nails.

No. I like to think that I want 'meek'. I'm just a very average 20 year old human being and I'm trying to stay aafloat. There isn't anything great I've done that breaks boundaries or cure malaria. I doubt myself even with the simple things.

I like to improve on my imperfections but admitting to them is negative reinforcement I hope isn't my way of conceding that I'm never going to be the person I want to be (or that others would like me as).

But this is how it has to work. If I let you listen to the new song of my life, you'd understand.

I'm bad with doing it for myself. I almost gave up two weeks ago. That was until I was forced to do something no one else was willing to, because hey, everyone is tired and everyone is human. I thought about that, and realised I relieved someone else of the intense suffering she was being put through. I found strength; I could run I could fly. It made me feel like God gave me gifts but they are only useful to others.

That reminded me about the kind of motivation that dictates how I'm going to continue handling my life. I really don't know if many people see it, but one person who has, provoked a strange dilemma that does more harm than good. It is good that one person believes in me. I think he knows what it is about that is sung in the song of my life. I'd wanna let more people hear what it is, but like many other things now, it is secret.

Night Before Conversion

2011-07-14T18:26:00.003+08:00

I think I've changed to become somewhat sullen and quiet lately. This is just a mood, but it is not one that will be useful as I am thrown into yet another trial.

Last night I got to spend time with best friends. The darkest past reached out to me and it scared me and filled me with the fear and regret of knowing I can be so base. The rejection I feel towards myself can't be dealt with. I feel it like old plastic tape sticking to me. I want to get it off but it has become rotten and disintegrates. Or somewhat like the sap of a jackfruit. It smells and it sticks and you can try to remove it with your hands but that sticks too and doing anything to get it off is just making matters worse. I remember it was said that if I don't believe in myself, how can I be convincing to others that my eternal spirit shines something different.

Resolute is the concept I use to try and maintain this principle.

And just then I allowed myself to be mesmerized the same way I would be to watch a light show, or fireworks. Ultimately it is illusionary of the night sky which I reach out to. But I let myself be fooled for awhile, and it did make me happy.

I felt like I begin on a clean slate. It could be the same, as good. But different that now I know, feel and do.

And that is the double edged sword. I realise everyday that I'm faced with a mountain of doubt so big that I can't see over the top of it. But then there's the hope that scaling it will amount to more than a trip of sisyphus and his rock. Every little step I take, I'm a bit closer to an ideal. It is another thing for ideals to be made into reality, but that one was never in my power to begin with.

Log

2011-07-12T03:19:00.000+08:00

This place is nice because I can write like no one reads the stuff here. That is true for all practical purposes, and that's good because I can talk like there's someone who will listen to me, but am not scared at all that real people actually hear me. It becomes like the letters written with all the bare truth and emotion, then burnt away to let the wind carry them off into the world. Much like how I love letting balloons fly away.

2011-07-12T03:11:00.000+08:00

I'm afraid of being overheard. That's because the very secret I'm trying to conceal is the very same one I want to reveal.

So I spoke previously of giving and receiving. People don't want to receive because there's an expectation to reciprocate. My dislike for these expectations almost equals my dislike for myself not giving enough. Let's's change that.

But now how how!

Noted.

2011-07-09T20:29:00.000+08:00

Absorption has been having an intense effect lately. I take things in and really believing in them. Gullible or naïve are not the correct words; I am trying to make a skill out of subliminally selecting the kinds of messages that immediately speak to me.

In a sense, I am mind-fucking myself. It is pushing me to what others have colloquially termed strange desires and strange behaviour.

I eventually came to think about the couple of hours I spent above the city lights. It will be special to visit that scene again, and I know how to make it the most amazing and exhilerating time of a life.

What is real to someone? The future's existence is itself in doubt, since it is quantified by things that are only prospective. It isn't even a "maybe", but an abstraction based upon a multitude of other "maybe"s. And yet all of human desire is taken from this prediction of a direction, the same way some of us might blindly follow a God or mantra.

That means I am only relatively strange. It is extreme behaviour, which I have always been known for.

Hopefulness by nature will always be bigger than disappointment because it is stronger to be forward looking. A third option of living for what is now also exists. It sounds hedonistic but is really a best of two sides to this membrane that grinds forward unapposed.

I'm meandering because I didn't really have much to write. Just wanted to remember being so content last night, and the visions I was able to dream up today.

2011-07-06T00:29:00.000+08:00

Doesn't the spirit now really complete the holy trinity?

It is constant, it is both outside and within us. It is influential, differentiating "good" and "bad". We just know, and that is pre-intellectual awareness.

The spirit forms a bridge to the father and the son. Or is this also joining the sectors of our beliefs that seem immiscible. It is this that guides us through dilemmas, and having sound character actually means more of those.

Seed Crystal

2011-06-29T21:17:00.002+08:00

Today I was at the medical centre to get my legs checked up by the doctor. There are lingering injuries - a pain high up in my left thigh, a wobbly right ankle, and a sea urchin sting that has caused a small, itchy bump on my left ankle.

While waiting my turn, the chair just collapsed under me. It was one of those long plastic benches, with individual back and ass rests. Mine simply broke which sent me tumbling backwards onto the floor. I landed relatively unscathed, except for my left elbow. My legs were almost over my head, but I was fine. Didn't occur to me to do the get-up-wave-hands-around while saying "I'm fine everyone. That was just what I intended".

Consequently half the medical centre had crowded around the now missing chair, to see what happened (and I hope if I was alright).

One of the regulars on duty said something about these chairs not being meant for leaning. But I mean come on, if they aren't built for leaning then why have a back-rest? And then I was the only one on that particular bench, and it was still upright and stationary, while it was the screws that broke. This only means that the workmanship was too poor to take the force of a normal human being who isn't trying to break the poor chair. And isn't a medical centre supposed to be where injuries get treated and not happen?

This retort formulated in my mind quickly as he added that I should mind the furniture more. There was some truth in this, and I settled for the excuse of "I think I'm a bit heavy." That is partly true as well.

The reason for me not minding the furniture, was because I was absorbed in the book I had in hand. So absorbed that when I stood up, my finger was still in the page I had been reading.

The pace of my reading has picked up of late. I arrived at the specific arguments into quality; or what I think is qualia. It is so difficult to describe because any definition puts a Kantian box or wrapper around whatever it is you are looking for. But if you can't (Kant, HAHA) describe it, then how do you know it exists? And if no one else can either, then for all practical purposes it might as well not exist.

When it spoke of seed crystal, that immediately struck me. The experiences I had gone through for the last 5 years cumulatively caused a saturation of whatever I felt, as I oscillated back and forth from victim to villain.

And while I had 3 weeks of alone time that cooled me down, just as a liquid does, and that's when super-saturation happens. It then needs a seed crystal, one nudge, to form the lattice of reasoning I wished to communicate to others.

I know exactly which day and who I was speaking to when it happened, because it did so suddenly. It all came together in two hours, at which point she said to me "clever arguments aren't going to get you the girl".

That is true. Yet when arguments are internalised they become beliefs. And I'd want someone who has beliefs, and I fit into them, because that is what it was all about anyway.

2011-06-28T12:32:00.002+08:00

The army gave me 3 days of leave in the middle of nowhere; consequently I ended up going to Phuket alone.

Can't say I was purely inspired by Hangover II, but it did provide some impetus prior to the trip. Anyway there are some parts of that movie that I'd rather see happen to my friends, and not to me at all, like "having a demon inside".

Actually I never came in the way of such a situation. My days were filled with scuba diving. Alone was such a good opportunity to get certified. Every morning was early, coffee with my instructor, wolf, and the a drive to chalong bay. We'd leave by boat with many others, go out to tiny islands.

The sea was particularly rough, but I did not feel it unwelcoming. Half the passengers each day ended up sea sick and I joked that I was getting a free viking ship ride. I loved being out there and getting into a real adventure. There was this place, Anemone Reef, that is a submerged rock in the middle of the sea, only identified by a red buoy on the surface of the water. The swell was bad enough that people could panic, and you really have to follow the line down. There, it looks like a tiny city at the bottom, with towers and citadels housing a host of creatures. The fish were simply abundant and I recall "Under the Sea" began to play in my head.

It was a trip to chill out. Being alone meant that for the most parts, it was a time of quiet self-reflection. When I was with people, it was mostly Austrians or Germans, or Thais. All for whom English is not the preferred language. I suspect that is what made the scuba diving work out, because I ended up trusting not on the reassurances of words, but everything else. This new friendship beyond words, I still don't know how it happens, but I'm a little better at what I will make of it.

My last night there did have an extended conversation in English. At the hotel bar I met a 50-60yr old guy from New Hampshire who was traveling to places more or less alone, just to see more of the world. He is slightly Buddhist, or the kind of white guy who's into new age zen, and is also close to triple my age. Yet I spoke to him of my passions in life, and he enjoyed listening. I tried to be natural but I suspected this was someone who had 'been there, done that'. But that discounts the humilty to say that there's always more things to see. We eventually spoke of 'peak experiences'. Those are what I am looking for.

The next day, I took him for lunch and it was an awesome sea-side barbecue. Got drunk in the airport and still my trip was not done. Spoke to a father of 3 for the duration of the 2hr flight. He's from ACS, and so are his sons.

I feel like I'm an old soul that everyone I engaged in conversation with for the trip, was at least twice my age, or more. Yet, there's so many more things to see. On my mind at the moment is the rest of Southeast Asia. Berlin, Austria. Maybe Phuket again, but I can first look forward to KL this Saturday.

A sad goodbye only begotten because we wish we had more time.

2011-06-23T21:03:00.000+08:00

Hearing that he had to leave soon, my mind became flushed with memories of the short time we had known each other. The first time we were acquainted with each other, it was an apprehensive meeting. I suspect neither of us really liked the other.

When I managed to get time with him alone, I broached the subject. Yes, it was difficult for me to be honest, especially at such an age. I said something along the lines of "try not to be so impulsive huh. Try to get along."

That was the beginning of a deeper friendship than most. He brought a kind of gung-ho and hard-nosed strength, that coupled with a playful exeburance that was hard to escape.

Together we made another friend. He was attracted to her, not so much her to him. But still he was very good to her; not just as someone he liked but just as a person.

And both these aspects of his personality taught me much about life. One thing more is that I had to look out for him, just as he looked out for me.

So this evening, I realised the time we could spend together had run out. We took a short drive with him, because like us, he liked the scenic views. We stopped to get our favourite snack, bananas, but only he ate; this day was for him.

We spoke alone and I thanked him for making my life so much better when he was around. He didn't expect much, was always a friend when I needed one. A good listener at that, and spoke back to me in ways I'd only realise were supremely meaningful, later on.

With that, we parted ways. Somewhat forceful by circumstance, but it was all that we felt was love, shared between us.

I can't say I've had a better friend, but their passing is made beautiful because we made this limited time on earth special.

The doctor said it was cancer. He had difficulty breathing and was not eating well. So I guess he appreciated this last time out. When the doctor injected the sedatives into his little paw, he quietly acquiesed, knowing he was in the company of those he loved, and who loved him back, everything was alright. He lay down, and it was exactly like he went to sleep, except too fast. Seeing the life leave a body is never bearable. Only this time it didn't matter so much in comparison to the times we spent together. By far the best companion I ever had.

Build a Bridge to The One You Love

2011-06-20T11:57:00.001+08:00

Hindsight

2011-06-07T22:27:00.000+08:00

I remember having to do tiny compositions, when I was equally tiny. And there were tips like not writing your title till it was almost over and thus would be a lot more relevant.

This is adopting what I'd call the historical fallacy of hindsight. With hindsight, any decision that didn't lead to your desired outcome is so easily labelled "wrong".

Hindsight is one of the reasons, I think, that we are all so prone to hypocrisy. Because it is swift and easy to deride another person for that wrong turn, for losing that something, any kind of decision where time is of the essence, or information is incomplete.

But it does no good to explain all your faults away with making hindsight a default qualifier in all your conversation, "my bad. In hindsight I would have, should have..."

It is not wrong either, it happens to the best of us. The part where this gets tricky is trying to isolate cause and effect. When you think about it, "history is just one fucking thing after another".

Where do you step in to say that all that doesn't have to happen? That whatever happens, hindsight is no excuse or a fallacy because this is the way you would have done it no matter what.

It is important for me to think about these kind of things because it becomes a question of holding on to principles which govern your actions which need to be made quickly.

I have settled on a few. One of those is that the meek shall inherit the earth. We are all permitted to be angry and convicted of our stand. But I resolve not to do or say anything in anger. There is a vast difference.

My difficulties lately have come from trying to determine how far this should be taken. It is possible to extend this thinking all the way to say that the displeasure should never be made known, because why should you burden others with that. How selfish?

I remember being told this isn't how someone would want me. I was me because I had strong opinions and was not afraid of anyone. In some ways I was brave because I let people know there was something wrong.

Swallowing the bitter pills is a different strength. One I've become adept at as well. Then a part of me realises this argument is moot because what is wanted is ultimately not me. And it seems to have always been that way. That's what I got out of hindsight.

No Exception

2011-06-02T22:06:00.001+08:00

When I'm not busy with the humdrum of army life, and not feeding my addiction to online articles and music, or trying to plan a hasty overseas getaway, I've been working on my SATs.

My problem has been the essay section of the test. 25 minutes to reply to a broad question makes it more a skill of mental agility, being concise, accurate, and scribbling legibly.

I have always been too afriad to jump into a discussion. I consider the limits of my knowledge, the inherent (and possibly erroneous) suggestion of the prompt, and know very well that I do not possess the grace and wit to tackle it head first, full steam ahead.

You can't cover your bases in a 25 minute essay. Introduction, 2 examples, a conclusion, is more than sufficient. Much like a double cheeseburger, 2 buns and 2 pieces of tasty meat. Skip the fries, apple pie and oreo mcflurry, and include enough garnish - pickles, sauce, cheese, to make the eat a bit fancy.

I managed to do that with a question that probed, "should we wait for good things to come, or is destiny not something we can wait for?"

Since waiting in pure black and white terms hasn't exactly paid off yet, it wouldn't be a formidable example to build a case upon. So I went with not waiting. What I meant was that it is eventually up to destiny to find you, but it does no good to sit on your ass to wait for it. Might as well enrich your life along the way.

First example was of the chinese guy who waited under a tree for the second rabbit to knock its head on a tree. While fortune may gift you a cute cuddly animal in the form of dead, tasty stew; tasty tasty stew... It is not right to abandon your core sustenance to wait for the bonus. Or the guy forgot to use the feet as good luck charms.

Then I mentioned siddhartha, from Hesse's novel, siddhartha. He was foreshadowed to be able to achieve great things, destined to be the wisest Brahmin on the block. He didn't wait around though, left all that to undergo hardship, even engage in some tomdickery, gave up hope on his destiny to get something better. Or maybe that nirvana happened to be a confluence of destiny and hard work.
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At this point I interrupt to stage a commercial for my new favourite amalgamation of words - tomdickery.

Originates from:

A. Dickery - attitude that originates from the term 'to be a dick'. General disregard for the feelings of others to the point of being a nuisance. May connote ideas inspired from the original pejorative, 'penis', in the way that a guy thinks only with his dick, objectifies women or other orifices.

B. Tomfoolery - act of misdemeanour done in a playful and foolish manner that does not overtly wish to cause serious consequences, but often does. I suspect it originated from Tom Sawyer, but also will never forget Doug Howlett using it to explain why he went to paint the town red. No, literally with spray paint.

C. Tom, dick and harry - used to refer to some kind of unskilled, uninformed, everyday-man.
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The point of my essay is what I'm trying to accomplish in real life. I can't wait, because it is easy to get sucked in to a habit of laziness or self pity. But that doesn't mean I can't hold out for something good. It helps that the things I desire in life are actually not mutually exclusive but I even wish for them to be inclusive. I don't use the experential learning thing as a fallacy for how I've had misques and bad steps, but I am where I am now. And from here it can only get better.

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I really don't appreciate bloggers and websites that go with the - "a picture speaks a thousand words" approach. Pictures, eventually, have to tell a story that engages readers beyond voyeurism.

Pictures are not evil. I would put more in for effect but it becomes a burden when I'm blogging mobile.

Filling your blog with pictures that don't jump out at you the way pictures showing "I went diving with car-huge manta rays!!!", do, are more or less lost on an audience even more than reciting your daily routine is.

I mean for people who are actually interested, that's almost fine because there's an unsaid understanding of what a picture of you with a girl in a club says, "I didn't bang this british girl you see hugging me, it's actually the great time I had showing my cousin around".

Readers should be engaged by intellectual or emotional stimulation. It's a funny thing that can be shared across space, time, the internet, identities. Why would anyone want all the voyeurs and keyboard warriors, and (especially for girl bloggers) masturbating adolescents making up your core viewership. The very least anyone can do is provide the hilarity that you find from something like tucker max.

I'm not saying less photos, I'm saying that don't use it as an excuse to not say things, and if the photos are really inane, then some story or funny caption to accompany. Please.

Keep Faith Because

2011-05-31T17:44:00.000+08:00

If you love me, Jesus tells them, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate to be with you always, the Spirit of truth.... (who) remains with you, and will be in you.

Look Up

2011-05-25T22:12:00.000+08:00

Lay on my back for the longest time last night. On that bare hill, it was all between God and me.

It stuck me in the middle of a fiery tempest, full of threats and warning shots. The lightning shooting across the swirling clouds, and from those clouds to the ground, overshadowed any pyrotechnic shock and awe I was meant to look out for.

This parted with nothing other than all that shouting, but no crying, to lay bare the heavenly spheres. I almost messaged a few people to let them know this serenity is something I wish to pass on. I held myself back, knowing that if they thought of me while looking at the same night sky, our shared experience would have been aeons and lightyears in the making.

I saw many fireflies making a light show of the grass around me, and it is them and fireworks that I'm so drawn to because it reminds me of why I watch the night sky.

A new storm brewed over us, and this time I decided not to test my fate any longer and headed down. It was new to experience this intense fear (at one point, we weren't alone up there. It may have been a wild boar, person or something else.) and perfect security juxtaposed so closely together.

I'll be doing the same tonight and perhaps I'll see a mufasa head or dark mark up there. Maybe even more likely if I rub my "dark mark".

Outnumbered by the days.

2011-05-24T00:34:00.001+08:00

There was a blog post many months back talking about how I was lost, trying to find land from out at sea. There's always this good news vs. bad news duality, and I always prefer to hear the bad news first.

I'm still lost. The expression most fittingly should be "I'm not out of the woods just yet". I prefer the image of a sailboat though. The kind of big boats people used to sail across the atlantic to get around to india. These things existed before GPS navigation, or steam power which makes it pretty predictable how fast your craft travels from one end to the other (titanic icebergs aside).

That's why it was a big risk for Antonio to collaterise his debts on a pound of flesh. It doesn't help that the way in which he was bailed out, doesn't make sense to me at all.

Sometimes it doesn't make sense that I'm blindly following this ideological compass. It brings up the oft-repeated phrase of "trust your compass". How much time and effort would you lose if you ignored all the realities that the surrounding landmarks and terrain offer you.

There were certain things for example, I agreed that I'd kick myself for not doing. In the end policy won out, seems like I'm back to square 0.

Good news comes in the form that at least I'm having lots of fun while doing it. People told me I can't just have my life stagnate, but they're wrong there because this journay requires that I make the most out of what I have. I realised it borders on batshit insane when people ask me why going out can't just be "going out". Dressing up like a rockstar complete with guitar hero (as seen on www.declasse.onsugar.com) and an easter yegg hunt, a month after easter, and 15 years too old for it, are just the most recent shenanigans of depravity.

I'm comforted by the fact that I've always had the knack for finding my way home. It gives me some hope to one day fulfil my aspiration to be the kind of aboriginal guide as seen in Hugh Jackson's Australia. Check this article out (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/29/magazine/29language-t.html?_r=3&pagewanted=2&ref=health), for a peek into how you can conquer the never-never. Also, I'm lazy to hyperlink.

I've also been relatively fortunate in the way I find myself into situations when I need to be there. I don't try to draw coincidences but I'm pretty blessed when it comes to chance. Just dont involve me in a game of in-between. If that is to be trusted, I wouldn't mind going with "home is wherever you are".

[Note: one of my favourite reads on the internet is going to stop blogging indefinitely because she doesn't need the outlet anymore and predicts a much more happening and less lonely life for the upcoming summer. I had wanted to comment, just to smile give some other sincere validation. But I'd have to create an account, plus I'm now really shy around the people I admire the most. Bloggers shouldn't owe anything to their readers anyway.]

2011-05-10T23:22:00.000+08:00

The sky over the western coast of Singapore is glowing red tonight. That can only mean the riders of rohan have managed to rout a band of uruk hai on fast march. It makes sense though, there's the two towers at peng kang and safti, and I used to have hobbits in my section.

Wild theories aside, I've been reading up on how life in general doesn't revolve around yellow brick roads, hot chocolate or any other virtues I can whip up.

There are fallacies we buy into so we can remain subscribed to being dickheads and mediocre. Or how the nice guy never wins. Or how we're psychologically wired to be self centered, making the most of our own plight while belittling others. These are all proven scientifically, and that just sounds damning to our ideals and self fulfilment. Example that experiment where people would lunder orders" administer electrical shocks to a "test subject" when the testee failed to answer questions. A majority did so up to 300volts, when 100 volts can kill, and the testee claimed to have heart problems and eventually stopped responding.

One of these fallacies is how we make excuses for our inaction - "my two dollars isn't going to get this homeless guy off the street, so why give". "My one car isnkt contributing much when you consider THE MASS OF OTHER PEOPLE driving. So I'm not going to cut down my carbon emmissions by taking the train to work, since it doesn't make sense to drive into the cbd anyway. We need stronger legislation and that's the government's problem." Which promotes an attitude where people aren't accountable to the changes they can make everyday.

The best I've heard is "sharks are going extinct from over-fishing; we better eat more of them before that happens."

It is so difficult not to fall into that with my ideals. Why be sincere if nice guys never win, or nobody will be sincere in return anyway.

Until someone who cared, found me, bought into all these dreams and virtues. I let that slip through my fingers. I'm not even going with the catch that "you never know who will end up being your real friend, so be nice to everyone". No, people are sober with reality. But that's because such nihilism is passed around like a virus and becomes the modus operandi. I'm not big enough to be the pparadigm shift of a generation, but I sure won't be caught being a person I hate.

Service

2011-05-09T16:42:00.002+08:00

Forgot to blog about it, but I recently crossed the one year mark of being in NS.

It's monumental because it signals 10 months of army left. It is also an anniversary where I gave up my life as I had known it. These things would be the freedoms of a civilian - generally doing and saying what would mostly please yourself.

I found strength in it because at the time, I realised that giving up my every right was nothing compared to what I'd do to be with the one person you realise you NEED. I synthesized these two feelings to come out really believing in doing a genuine service to what my country means to me - the people who I love and the way of life they are priveleged to. I would die for that.

Being able to push myself through everything and affect change to myself, first and foremost, I started to think that I could emulate to become a blessing for those around me.

This has been one year of me living on my ideals and convictions alone. Realistically, I couldn't ask for more.

That's the part that gets me sad, I guess. I won't ever again abandon what I rediscovered and learned. But it just speaks a really wistful sadness when I try, to no avail. How I smile at people to let them know they're appreciated and make others happy, because isn't that such a great feeling? Sometimes though, I wish I really possessed such unbridled happiness like I did when she was nearby. Or even better, if someone smiles like that for me.

And it was painful to speak words of comfort or encouragement to others because I know I won't ever get that from someone who matters, not real enough to make a tangible difference anyway. But I do this for people anywaay; I'm stuck playing this all or nothing game.

If you're in a dark room, all you can be sure of is a self centered method of orientation. You don't know which way the birds fly off to for the winter. You don't know if it's worth staying in there; crazy people don't know they're crazy. It can't be expected to end so simply for what I do, the contradictions made it so in the first place.

All or nothing is fine, and now it no longer matters if the odds are stacked.

Puppets don't move on their Own

2011-05-07T01:13:00.000+08:00

2011-04-30T18:33:00.000+08:00

CLICK TO MAKE SOME MUSIC

So easy to admit to, because I half believe it true.

2011-04-26T14:17:00.002+08:00

Aside from the handless, headless, legless mannequin I have in my room, this space is dominated by the gigantic bed.

It is big enough that I rarely fall off anymore. I can stretch out and make blanket angels or make a small fort for myself. You see, it's big enough that at any time, there are 4 pillows and a bolster, just for me.

The catch to this amazing deal comes in when you look at it like looking at a vacated residence. It's just you, and the bigger it is, means the emptier it is.

And it's not just my bed, because that's where all of the magic doesn't happen, because obviously it doesn't happen at all. But my room is equally devoid of a bookshelf, desk, couch, extra sofa bed, someone to hug.

I don't get hugs because my mannequin has no arms, apart from the fact it isn't very lively nor teddy bear like. I neither have the gumption to acquire and blow up a blow up doll. Can't do teddy bears because I'm allergic to dust. Can't do real people either because that's so wrong and needy.

I hate thrusting my problems onto other people, because they don't deserve it. Don't ask for drugs, don't ask for hugs beccause they are something to be given. No, shared actually because it has to be given from the other side as well.

My regret makes it such that I will never ask for anything, never assume to have the privelege of sharing emotion with another individual. Because that is selfish of me, which is plain undeserving when I have this debt of life to pay off. I'm 20, and there are things I've done which are irreversible and irreparable. I can't offer to be in people's lives, to right my wrongs. That in itself is such an infringement of space, like receiving a well intentioned hug from someone you don't really like or who smells.

And yes, I do smell. In the way you see it in cartoons - flowers wilt and children start to cry. Such a spoiler; everything I touch turns awry. Either through my mistakes or circumstances.

Most of the time, simply me. And I forget this on a day-to-day basis. I even cover it up with comic relief and douchebaggery. "Act like my ego is huge so that people assume valid reasons for it being so". It's a good pairing, this innate ineptitude and douchebaggery. I can sense people find it so awkward and contrived when I try to be nice or do something magnanimous for them.

Just last week I tried to do something "morally upright", and it ended with me just breeding a little bit of hate between friends. I just thought it to be better, to be nice, and it all got so twisted when I put it out there.

I'm not even socially inept like Lars from Lars and the Real Girl, I know what I'm doing but I just can't do it right. One thing right, and safest would be to aknowledge this failing, and display in bold font "Danger. No entry."

2011-04-25T00:21:00.000+08:00

In camp now; goal-setting, projecting ideals forward into contexts and situations to dissect and evaluate; yes, thinking life over. (On sunday nights it feels like life is just over though)

The weekly routine is broken tomorrow though, because Tuesday will be spent outside of camp. Maybe I'll watch a movie, catch up with friends, or just study for SATS.

But this planning sticks out to me. Why make me come back to camp when I'm just going to leave again tomorrow? These thoughts are just like the rain and the ineptitude of plans this evening, coupled with the fact that every sunday night I live on a time voucher that expires, second by second.

Making a friend while walking home was the serendipity to the initial curses I uttered. I took photos and videos which I will probably upload soon enough. Smile. Reminds me that counting my blessings and gratitude for the situation is much more a useful skill than a disability.

Hong Kong

2011-04-10T16:49:00.011+08:00

Flew off on a Friday night, got to the hotel, put down my bags, swig of Glenfiddich and we were out on the town again. I'll never forget that Friday night, for the best Beef Brisket noodles I've ever had. My mouth waters at the thought, the hairs on my back stand and I get a half boner.

This is the first photo simply because it is the best photo of the trip. This tunnel always proved to be full of surprises thanks to the homeless woman who slept there, or random turban man who made this photo great. I didn't think Hong Kong would have so many turbans but on second thought it is an ex British colony. Played a lot of "What colour".

This was our first tram ride, we're still eating some carry-around food = me happy.

HENRY. He has a heart on his t-shirt, because we bumped into his cousin doing flag day.

We take these kind of photos because it's the kind of place that makes you think of Hong Kong.

But this photo of the man in blue looking like he's about to hurl himself off into a somersault onto the road; it is actually a common sight in Hong Kong. There are all these people who, I suppose because they hate wasting precious time, will start to exercise whenever and wherever it is that they're waiting around at. So this guy was actually swinging back and forth on the railing, which is marginally more intrusive than all the shopkeepers doing hip rotations.

Hong Kong back-alley. I was puzzled on a question of semantics, like how do we recognize a place as that place. How do we really know that such a photo comes from Hong Kong? (So unmistakable when we see it). My theory is that Hong Kong is characterized by its tiny apartments, of which the architecture is different from a HDB. Their apartments are really crammed together and just grow upwards uniformly, helps if they are old as my grandfather, have scaffolding on them, and each window will possess an air conditioning unit.

Went to a village to eat the goose. Was quite king. (Up there it actually felt like i was in Kunming though)

Goose vs. Chicken.

Here is a retarded fish (orange) that was swimming upside down. It does so because of the bulbous stomach that is filled with air? That's what the waiter told Henry.

Here's the village. I can imagine triads chasing each other and battling it out, rooftop to rooftop.

Village photo.

This chap would one day like to be chief of his home village, not the one in the photo of course. His village is more atas because there is an MTR serving it. (So he claims)

Yup saw this in the village, and in the rest of Hong Kong. Seriously what is the guy doing? Double salute? Anyway I have a tissue in my hand which is pretty gross. I started to fall sick.

Went to a seaside town, saw this jetty and went to sit there because we were still too full to eat dinner, and we needed shelter from the rain.

Pensive cigar shot. This was taken when we were cold, my feet were wet and it was still raining. The restaurant people scolded us for walking around in the rain (Their solution - eat indoors at their restaurant, of course).

Ended up at this seafood restaurant, that's lobster in the photo. This meal was really cheap.

Apparently it's a Michelin star as well.

I've seen a lot of fucking weird things in my life, but the alien looking things in the bottles, those freak me out.

Gave the smouldering gaze to this fish. I think we had a connection.

They should totally cast me for the Little Merman or something like that. I have a way with them water beasts.

They were huge. 200 of whatever Chinese unit of measurement. I asked how many people can it feed, and the waitress was like "wtf these are only for good luck, not suppose to eat them". Whoops.

Night of the prancing fawn.

More random eats. This was some fried bun.

Luke was really seductive behind closed doors.

So in the end we went open with our relationship.

Ok here I am signing a petition for some people having a street protest.

I later found out i signed a petition for something about working age, retiree pension. I'm totally against this kind of public policy, because it shits in the face of accountability. But it was just too awesome to give up the opportunity to influence the public policy of a SAR of China.

Surprise.

I really liked taking the ferry.

Here we are, last evening, was really good weather.

What faggots.

Taiping.

The beginning of the slapbet.

I eat with my hands because I'm a jungle man (they hadn't given us plates yet)

Here is the part of the trip where I got so cranky and had to take a break at the side of the road to vent my frustration.

Yup we got a lot of disapproving looks for playing with our food.

I respect the courageous men and women of the Hong Kong Fire Department. If the glass wasn't tinted, you'll actually see the guy inside smiling and waving. I has made friend.

Went mad with the beer, brought a whole box back. This was about 1/3 of what we drank in 2 nights.

So we had to chill out at starbucks the next day. It was just too mad.

Here is the one and a half hours we spent up at that place. Just looking, feeling, thinking. Adwyn asked when we got back down "Wow why is everyone so serious?"

And I told him "Because Life is different now". It really is. Hong Kong is intense I want to go back, and we almost did the next weekend.

2011-03-31T23:09:00.002+08:00

Nothing left to lose, everything to prove.

Sounds contrived that I have so much in my life, yet I can say I have nothing. But that's exactly what it is. Sometimes I get all bohemian and wish I'd been born in a scenic corner of the world, everyday would be my retreat and I would never expect any better. I have nothing when I've touched the heavens just to fall back down. I've never felt alone, till I met you.

Not a bad axiom when you include the 2nd half of the phrase though - something forward looking, deterministic. Just, a lot of people, including myself, get muddled up in what it is to prove. Is it action or inaction, to what endds and for what purpose?

I am faced with such a conflict, dilemma even. It's been festering for the past couple of weeks. I'm scared, and that would be wrong in this situation, save only knowing that I care so much about it for me to be truly fearful.

Will have a photo post on HK, full one, when the pictures are all on facebook.

2011-03-28T20:28:00.002+08:00

All this involuntary hand, finger twitching could easily arise from the acute lack of sleep over the past week. My past week, all things considered, was madness.

Flew off last Friday for Hong Kong, my bag with 2 sets of clothes, passport and money were packed since the previous sunday so I could get to the airport from camp.

For those 4 days it was non-stop action, running (or cosmo-walking) around the place, sleeping at most 20hrs (the power naps in the taxis considered), and no shortage of cubans, glenfiddich 18yrs and S$1.50 beers from 7/11. Hong Kong deserves it's own blog post which will come when the pictures do.

And no, it didn't even stop when I got back to Singapore. Right now is probably the first time since last Friday that I can sit back and not be in a hurry to do something else. I'm so fatigued that my mind started to wander off when I closed my mind in between typing this, and it tricked me into coughing.

To be fair I was caught up in being busy. And distracted but I've taken the time to allow my spirit to find my body again. I can't just run away.

Tomorrow in Photo Story

2011-03-17T02:24:00.003+08:00

Maybe, just maybe, like the night tonight, and many other nights, I will gift consideration to that which I know.

I'm doing this to be free, a paper bird shooting past just to dance around, for myself and those nearby. Through a different window, I'm much more a sentinel - watching and quietly growing. A forest tree that seems evergreen around its cracked bark. It's adding rings ever year, a living thing within that is constantly reaching out to then sun. And I bet if we could see its eyes hear its voice, we'd feel that same fire inside.

Suit up!

2011-03-12T15:16:00.001+08:00

I was watching this and hope the girls in bridal dresses this evening won't be as twisted.

We need time, only time?

2011-03-09T20:39:00.000+08:00

Until a couple of years back, I found it easier to make friends with those older than me, over those my age or younger. Not that I think it was emotional maturity or common interests that drew me to such people. No, probably I had trouble fitting in with my peers, just because of the pressure of expectations to "fit in". Maybe the latter came first, or other things, but in the end that's how it's turned out.

It is all fine and dandy when I have a choice in lifestyle, for better or worse, but disparity arises when I'm waiting for something like ord, for my life to begin.

The fire to make 110% out of this waiting has been quelled, partly. It is tiring to tend to a fire - get more firewood, push the unburnt parts of the logs into the flames, make sure the fire maintains a good balance of air, fuel and heat, gather more firewood, etc. Gathering the firewood markedly increases in difficulty when it gets dark, or rains; the tims when you need a fire the most.

Resultingly, I have entered a phase where I'm just keeping the embers a quiet little glow. I can't say for sure it's not only time, only time, but to quote radiohead "I'm not living, just killing time".

The loudest sound I never heard.

2011-03-06T04:06:00.003+08:00

Tonight was movie night, and I managed to re-visit themes, motifs and lines that I did not recall. Not recalling does not mean forgotten, but those feelings and meanings have embedded themselves deep within. Was nice to see them again.

Well now I'm watching spiderman the animated series, casablanca, and the social network while I'm surfing facebook at home.

2011-03-04T19:54:00.001+08:00

Got me into a trance last night. This must stand for all the things ever left unsaid.

2011-02-26T17:22:00.002+08:00

I am fearless, now. Was looking into the eyes of pure self doubt, and I came out of it alive.

And then it remains to be seen if a separate but inter-connected development is verifiable, and true, but I prayed for it but I never imagined God would have answered. He did.

So here's something more carefree but grounded and hopeful.

Free the Paper Birds

2011-02-18T20:29:00.000+08:00

No, no, no, no, no.

2011-02-18T08:54:00.004+08:00

No amount of

No amount of

No amount of

No amount of

No, no, no.

Winter

2011-02-17T01:34:00.000+08:00

Etched those words in, because we're not repeating this cycle. That means: It gets better.

Praying, not Wishing.

2011-02-15T22:35:00.000+08:00

Lord, teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve.
To give and not to count the cost.
To fight and not to heed to wounds.
To toil and not to seek for rest.
To labor and not to seek reward.
Save that of knowing I do your will.

2011-02-15T17:06:00.002+08:00

My comfort food is a cigarette. I don't really eat it but it is a thing to be put in my mouth and stops me from thinking and worrying so much. They're more absorbed into the body, just magically.

Cigarettes are more than that in the same vein that the cloud of exhalation is more than just water vapour exiting your mouth while leaning into the freezer.

It makes breath seen and is mystifying the way it travels upward and slowly disappears. It becomes a reminder of my mortality that I enjoy being beholden to. Only kind of defeatist that it will kill me faster.

This is from last Thursday

2011-02-14T10:00:00.001+08:00

I had it almost figured out. It was because of the saturday residue, cigarettes and the flush of information at the sacrifice of proper sleep.

There was a song. A jazzy tune and suave vocals. The lines ran into each other and did rhyme, talking of clothes - the way you wear them to look good for that 1 person, but like a present which you tie a bow around, it's really what's inside that matters.

If I remember what it was I'd be selling michael buble his next hit single. The song was good and original.

The audience sang back as you would expect them to, while I curled up to a friend next to me. Admittance to myself that some days, being strong isn't enough to feed.

I've forgotten the lyrics and the tune but not the insides.

Tried and Tested

2011-02-13T13:17:00.004+08:00

This weekend has had a few simple exercises at swallowing my pride. Alarms do go off in my head - this isn't right this isn't right; but then why should it matter. Things could be so wrong for me but like the concessions made on the side "like that is like that lah". Right?

And I accept having to lan lan suck thumb because life is bigger than me and my ego. I do it ultimately, for the eternal hope. After awhile, maybe people will stop asking and it will just become me. That's what I want, I think it's what I'm supposed to want, yet that is really scary because someone told me I'd never be abandoned.

Likewise, just know this. Tried and tested is supposed to mean the thing works. Right now nothing works.

Thaïs

2011-02-05T06:03:00.001+08:00

Festivals seem to lose their magic recently.

The people this year though, have been getting better. Actually the people may have been the same all along, but there's a different engagement. There are people I'd rather see a lot more often.

A friend has to be there through thick and thin, but empathy is a whole new ball game. It is like how I wonder of the burden of confession transferred to Catholic priests. They've got to listen to all the troubles of humanity, and in turn the similar transgressions meted out because we're so imperfect. And I'm sure that when trying to understand it or in the act of giving advice, a priest has to draw upon the strength his faith gives him, and that is far from bulletproof.

What I'm really trying to explain is the emotional burden of being a sacrificial lamb. The same applies to prostitutes or any other kind of working girl, where the transaction of money has to cover a premium of emotional sacrifice. I don't think it's worth it and that's why I feel sorry for them.

I played that sort of a channel for friends, shortly, and found it extremely taxing. Every time I tried to use personal experience to support an assertion, it made me question it myself.

The repayment of such faith is something I believe in, but so far the only thing I have reaped has come in my dreams. The one I had this morning though, was perfect down to the last word.

Thou who didst create me have mercy on me.

Life Is Beautiful

2011-01-29T22:30:00.000+08:00

How to Save a Life?

2011-01-25T18:04:00.000+08:00

Why do I remember the smell so vividly. The smell of dying. And the touch of life slowly leaving a body, and of cracking every bone in that body. So much more a butcher than a surgeon, so much more emotionless than clinical.

That being said, I'm still going to be eating unagi, frogs legs and quail's eggs, and chicken chop but with extra gravy. Might lay off egg yolks for awhile though, the smell is just to pungent.

Resounding Similarity

2011-01-24T23:34:00.000+08:00

"You know it is dawn when you can look into the face of another and see there the face of your sister or your brother. Until you can do that, the light has not dawned on you. You remain walking in the dark."

2011-01-22T17:45:00.002+08:00

It is late January and I just realized it has been a fucking long time since I've been in the close company of a romantic interest. Romantic interest though, would implicate a concern in the first place.

The time has passed for me, the same as it has for everyone else. And people are happy with each other, fighting, getting back together, flirting, meeting the parents, awkward moments, I guess they happen. They must and it's something that can be watched and tracked, maybe like the share price of company - is it undervalued? is it overvalued? what does that mean?

Would it be agreeable with you, if I diluted the shares? Could I sell off my stake? (I could possibly sell steak, barbecued, because they are quite tasty when cooked by me).

Actually since people invest in companies so heavily using their emotions, are not there really very many similarities with how theres the swing after the IPO (I hope no one does public offerings for their partners though), or whatever else you can think of.

But when you have a dead, inactive share like mine, why does facebook tell me I'm still "In A Relationship". For the longest time I should have been asking "WITH WHO?" or what? Maybe I'm in a relationship with myself, my own ego. Or the spawn of eccentricity that I hope to bring into fruition. Maybe I'm in love with music, but I would only want to have a relationship; not be IN a relationship with something that has to be shared to exist. What, what is it, then?

Is it even right to have it matter? I'm fucking myself with my own foot in my left side ear because I gave thanks when I sobered up from the sleep last night. I do believe in dreams, I believe in dejavu because I have a very good memory that I am sure isn't playing tricks on me. But you have to understand here that I was forgiven and inquired upon by someone who utterly hates my guts and would have me dead if it was even worth taking the extra trouble. If you really want to know why I can say "never again" then that's why, because I have hurt someone so much to get such vicious backlash. And if I think that's painful, what must it have been like to be around me?

I feel like forgetting the world. No, I feel like giving everything up to serve my pennance. Forgetting isn't wrong, but it's not the right word I'm looking for. The word is transcend. And that's what last night's dream was about - I transcended the agony and futility of the world that was, to find that it changed for me; it changed for good.

Do No More "Waiting On The World"

2011-01-17T17:20:00.000+08:00

The decision to be more generous in concern and warmth with others comes from how it let's me feel good about myself. It is lacking in the world I know and no longer will I use that as a reason to go through such an emotional rage. Reacting in kind should only be done when it is kind to do so. This giving should not be interfered with by motives or politics or reactions, because I'm really not very comfortable playing any of the latter.

It is cliched to say something like: if you want the world to change, start with yourself. But shouldn't it be true that the easiest spirit to will would be your own? And it is in your interests for them to be true to you. I readily admit now, I've been tempted to take liberties with the values I now stand by. But I remember what I've told others: keep faith. And so far the little voice inside of me ticks constantly, and makes itself heard when I get ahead of myself.

Insulate

2011-01-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

It hurts because it is so real, and it gives strength only for that reason also. A lighthouse that sits on the rocks which wreck ships and break waves into a foamy mist; but it weathers the storm. it becomes a beacon that warns off, and hails that land is near. Such things - the heart cannot erase.

Caught In The Rain

2011-01-14T20:11:00.001+08:00

Best friday night in camp ever, because spending it in bunk is infinitely better than a wet, smelly, mosquito infested patch of forest called lorong asrama.

I would have made a music video out of my day. Walking on and on through those winding dirt roads. Through the hot sun and the wind and the rain and fences and gates. And doing it in a real daze. Best part is when I directed to a hole under a big complex, was locked up but out of sight. Is a place where they keep empty oil drums which are quite comfortable to lie on when lined up together. That did keep me dry for a little while and provided a needed quiet moment.

I really do love the idea of going somewhere though, anywhere. It would be better done on a motorcycle, or maybe a car or train or plane. But on my own two legs aren't that bad. The only thing left would be the someone special holding my hand through it.

2011-01-13T18:33:00.001+08:00

This will never be forgotten. I may pretend it is, talk like nothing matters. But the fact is there are things immutable and there's no comparison.

How is it that you want me?

2011-01-11T10:57:00.000+08:00

For a bit I would have been so content to spend every saturday night at home with that special someone. We could have watched a movie, listened to music, talked, or even do none of that, just enjoy the comfortable silence that can happen when it is enough for a whole life just to have the other in the same room.

Gradually my spirit has taken off. It wants to be anywhere besides the shelter of movie theatres, shopping malls, clubs, and other equally mindless hang-outs.

Doesn't matter if I need to do it through the army - walking through parts of singapore I never even knew existed, starting fires and being at home in the dark and damp forests, going to brunei to do the same thing but x 11 in intensity. Taking helicopter (seriously can't wait for this one). And if you asked me to jump out of an aeroplane, I'm dying to do that on my own time!

So now there's plans to actually do stuff. Zoo out (what?), wander around, anywhere, make something to call our own, get out of here, travel, work on a farm?

Take Off

2011-01-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

I've quit smoking during the weekdays. For real I didn't bring even one stick into camp. Got through day 1 pretty okay except when I almost threw up while taking a walk haha.

The whirring sounds in across the universe really get to me I think they're so cute and it really hit me when paired with wish you were here.

I would like to take off, from here, this thursday, never land.

Palms out in the open

2011-01-10T00:28:00.000+08:00

There is a sense that has crept over and grabbed hold of me, makes me feel aimless, that my ork right now will come to nought.

As strong as I tell myself that I am, I'm still afraid of giving of myself. It's okay if I never get anything in return, but if I have to bear further costs above monetary and effort-wise, I'm not sure how far I can go.

Have a Kit Kat!

2011-01-05T07:14:00.000+08:00

I feel you most on the edge of night. A frontier tilts over the hills into my eyes and up above is rendered a water colour scene of pastel paints.

It is standing in the eye of a raging storm of excitement and uncertainty. It is knowing that sometimes, you can't make it on your own. Staring out, I can let the strong breeze nudge me this way and that. It is almost a hug, and this is when I would want to feel you (up... Haha).

The Plans

2011-01-03T00:18:00.001+08:00

It could simply be that I get excited too easily now.

There are a number of epic things I'm planning on.

I was thinking of this as a fell asleep, and I'm finishing this on monday afternoon. My ipod plays perfect music to watch the water slowly creep up to my feet; it seems very inviting and not too insidious this day. Not like how I tossed in my sleep till I gave up trying and sat up to look at my phone and realise it was 4am.

True as my plans are, my feelings bear down on me as I try to have them be more than a screen.

2011-01-01T18:31:00.002+08:00

Okay a new (ground-breaking kind of) resolution is to be a more effective person.

Just means not being dysfunctional like I am now. Small things like putting my underwear on before skype calling people, going for breakfast, leaving the house early so I actually get to places on time (and not leave late because I was doing something stupid like reading up on "Complex Systems" using wikipedia). I think it adds up and it'll save me from shooting my own foot in the future. That actually would be quite likely since I play around with guns five days of the week; Singapore you are welcome.

2010-12-30T19:38:00.001+08:00

Are there such truths?

Or must conviction always boil down to dogma.

Wow, I left that unpublished since last year. After coming to know what I want out of life, it never ends, because I wouldn't want to find myself becoming a preacher.

I do have hope and it is real. There are instances which really sting. I've been shouted at and humiliated, ignored and disregarded. Each time I've told myself that I'll never be destroyed again. I hate cliches but I admire those who've been able to pick themselves up.

Does it make sense that by being introspective and making a change to yourself first and foremost, that you can end up much more caring for others? My new year's resolution is to keep making these changes everyday. God doesn't promise anything other than peace, and that comes from being able to ta everything, because you know everything that happens can only be His blessing. From what I've learnt, there's no other way.

But what is Elephant and White Castle??

2010-12-28T13:44:00.001+08:00

A Sign

2010-12-26T13:34:00.002+08:00

Wikipedia says a sedentary lifestyle causes mortality. Quick, I have to get out of bed!

Trial

2010-12-24T02:10:00.000+08:00

I have a trail of bruises on my inner thigh. It's like someone grabbed real hard, dug their fingers in, and didn't want to let go. I think that person would be me in my sleep. Or my bunk could have some paranormal activity?!

Not fun to talk of bruising now because I feel all battered down just as I am telling myself to treasure what I have this Christmas, instead of thinking of what I don't have.

Muse-ic

2010-12-19T12:21:00.002+08:00

If we choose to have a working generalization, music is sound in time.

You can change the instrument which changes the quality of the sound. You can use a different scale which results in differing systems of harmonies.

What is constant all around is rhythm. It dictates that there is a definitive period that the piece has to exist in. Anything before or after is not part of the music, while everything that is within, every sound made, every emotion created, even a raucous of an audience that can be pulled and bent.

Our obsession in music must have come from this. That it creates the microcosm of life that is defined by time. The contradictions of how we can't wait for the next act, the suspense of not hearing that perfect cadence that ushers in a new theme. Yet after it's all done we applaud and cheer, or are left with bemusement, or angst, helplessness, and/but wish we could press repeat and go through that all over again.

2010-12-17T21:13:00.002+08:00

After managing to spend last weekend party free, I'm going out tonight. I feel good and I wish to celebrate with friends.

However shallow it might lie, I stood proudly today as a son of my nation. My spirit now has grown, that it wishes to shine from the inside out. And my heart as always is affixed.

Movie

2010-12-06T20:38:00.000+08:00

I just watched Easy A with my 4 other platoon mates. Which is pretty gay, but there's nothing better to do at Jurong Point. I found the movie incredible fun though. For the wit, the tongue in cheek moments, the huckleberry finn references! The fact that the awkward silences were just that - so awkward and not cinematic at all. Not least that favourite songs were played just when they were needed. :) <3 was just talking about songs.

Not fitting to the experience to expound on the messages of growth and situation, but it does speak to me and for all these reasons I'm incredibly happy now. Good way to feel to go back into camp.

2010-12-06T09:12:00.000+08:00

It's been some time since I've let any music pierce through to the core of my being. The sort where it strikes something and reverberates from the inside out. It is a music without words, it is of purer stuff. It doesn't prompt, it shows.

I can just go along with it, riding the crests and valleys of the waves. Is it that my mind is taken away on a journey, or that because I know who I am - that the cognitive faculties aren't so distracted that they cloud.

Found. It has been awhile. I guess people cry when there's no fitting response to stimulus that they can muster. When in the name of goodness it isn't so bad.

Morning Star

2010-12-05T17:18:00.003+08:00

This is to the life that is just beginning.

2010-11-30T11:10:00.001+08:00

Let me be a jock for a day:

I got my ippt gold motherfuckers! 24 total points with sbj the only anomaly.

And I'm not even as fit as I know I can be, like I haven't been training regularly and smoked too much over the weekend.

Next goal is guards gold.

And I'm someone who ran 11:50 in bmt, couldn't do 6 pull ups, and was generally just a fat fuck at 75kg+.

Not A Myth

2010-11-29T22:36:00.002+08:00

The pivot, for awhile now, has been crossed. And I am afforded the luxury, in this time of rescaling, to let my mind wander into the waters that my heart has brought me to.

A view is cast onto east and west. Stock is taken and I try my best in this time to fill back the lamps. Pursuits are followed; ones that existed in the peripheral. Otherwise, I no longer stand by the edge of a pier. A net is cast and then a spear thrown. The line follows down toward an abstraction of what I've begun to know when I found myself in the clearing. A faint glimmer through a loophole in the leaves.

This grew bright, and it was of such a great height when I ran for it. Twigs broken in two places marked the way. I was not deceived, for such a blaze could not be masked by the crust of slumber. My arrival though, was to realise that the pyre was all but spent, reduced to ashes and a dying ember.

Still! There is, nearby, not long ago. Yet, we can't follow this spirit, only let the lingering semantics jolt me awake. The sun is soon rising.

Answers will be found at the ocean. Strange. The river runs down and out. But it was told that this is the way to return to the source. East is only just marked with a crimson edge. Just a day, an entire day, remains to find a way back through the clouds to the garden.

2010-11-27T15:25:00.000+08:00

A sparrow just flew into the room. It landed on the seat across the table from me, and it's now hopping about, inquisitive, and the way it is jerking its head to survey the room is so animated.

It seems completely comfortable with me, undisturbed. I whispered under my breath, "so cute". And then thought that I was prepared to stand by that only till the bird decides to take a crap in here.

The sparrow hopped over to the window sill, looked back and jumped off to make a speedy exit. A pleasant visitor.

Most Important

2010-11-24T10:37:00.000+08:00

Today I remember the joy in my heart. It will not be marred for I keep my head on what is real. That would not be the dimensions of any box. For that would not be permanent; it would be looking at a wrapper, an illusion of form. Strange that such things are "ethereal" I hold on to what shone at me through the night sky.

Only now it really is that distance away.

2010-11-21T14:20:00.000+08:00

I now often wonder what other people think of me. Not because I wish to be in the good favour of all that I meet (though that is a bonus and something I should work to more often), but rather to capture a picture of myself from a lens other than that of my own eyes.

For some time I had been almost completely selfish. It was the selfishness of self-preservation, but it was ugly nonetheless. What made it worse was the way in which I ignored what people thought of me, even resigned to it in a defiant shout that said "I'm not going to prove you wrong! I'm actually going to prove you right, and what are you going to do about it?" It was these kind of inventions that I told myself, that made it easier to get sucked in to this selfishness that it built upon itself - from something kind of pitiful to a nine-headed beast that took on a life of its own and devoured and brought war. And all in self-serving vanity.

I'm very afraid of that. I hate it and I curse it and look upon it with disgust. For it clouds the light of what I think is my everlasting spirit. The idea is to keep that in view and tuned in, considering those who care and the plan of The Maker and Provider.

Wheel Of Fate

2010-11-20T10:40:00.001+08:00

The human obsession with circular flow could be in the style of Greek futility; that there are fates - that what you do, will lead you back to the same outcome. Even in the act of trying to beat your fate, you choose actions in dilemmas that lead you there. It was part of your fate to try escape fate, that leads you to the outcome in the end. I can't wrap my mind around this without a mind-map.

But coming full circle is beautiful because you realise what you've journeyed for has been there all along. It is the recognition that the locus had to be travelled to glance upon the very ground you had been standing on and thus would have never seen in the first place! It is cathartic and it can bring heartbreak and regret and warmth and repentance and redemption and your spirit will know that this world has an innate purpose and calling and it had been better to follow it and realize it and the end than to have lived away from the light your whole life.

2010-11-19T17:08:00.000+08:00

Swer fens: N.A.

Indelible

2010-11-07T11:20:00.001+08:00

Tattoo is such an insidious word. Just a thought. It's just so easy to fuck up and to tag negative connotations to.

Also, I forgot to bring home the most important thing from camp. See, there's a deadline approaching, and I'm not yet halfway done. It relates to dreams, and not the kind where I've been shouting in my sleep.

2010-11-06T22:42:00.002+08:00

Am I too receptive when I find extractions out of the weirdest places?

Sure, it's heartfelt and the guy has a pet fish, but he's blue.

We think there are signs in our lives, but I want to be careful with these blinkers I have on me. Then again, maybe I'm just a lot more receptive to the whispers in the wind.

2010-11-05T16:37:00.002+08:00

This regret and even more intense longing make a cocktail of irreconcilability that churns through the being that lies here and I breathe even deeper.

What the fuck I'm typing this in bed and I get two songs "Tears Dry On Their Own - Amy Winehouse", and "Tears On My Pillow - Kylie Minogue". Gay.

I'm getting out; for awhile. Have some little shopping to do. Thanks for Deepavali.

2010-11-02T16:27:00.002+08:00

Done some thinking back. Other times there is a desire for my mind to strain forward through the fog of the future.

I had intense conversation all of last night. deep, searching, exploratory. We talked about things that, without wanting to sound like I think too highly of myself, were probably beyond many others. Maybe our deficiencies lie in many other places.

And it got me to give thanks for not having totally succumbed to the army-brain-spoil effect.

I don't know if that's it, but I feel something happening. The way in which I write is different. I don't get lost in what I write anymore. It's not so wandering or pensive or lost trying to find one thing I would think about. I quite liked it that way because it flowed and I could get carried along with it.

Maybe I am much more sure of myself, and that's why it is no longer in me to do that. I know what I want, and how I'm going to get there.

Yet, my vocabulary is still lost somewhere up there; I read the old things I wrote and I'm much simpler nowadays.

As a side note, my sense of smell, deceives me and revived a dead longing, like red hot embers bursting into flame.

Halloween?

2010-11-02T11:56:00.006+08:00

Okay here are all the costumes present at the halloween omg wtf knn ccb bbq. I wanted to put in pictures of the actual bbq, but technology fails me again.

We were the first to suit up. He gave that intense face all night. I did too, but you can't see it.

I'm lazy to order the photos chronologically, but this is when i later went to zirca in my diver's outfit. I kept hearing things like 'EH SCUBA DIVER', but if I don't have bc or a tank, it's not really Self.Contained.Underwater.Breathing.Apparatus; you know. and another group was behind me and like 'eh, eh, this one naval diver'. Bestest was the group who came up to me and like 'you're costume is great. you look really fit'.

I told people my friends were better dressed actually, the smurf, the baby, the pacman, the jedi.

Braving the unknown. I'm clutching a dive knife in my mouth btw.

There the knife is again.

Self indulgent space warrior.

Yar I really was in zirca, amongst those normally dressed.

SEX

That's all for the photo post, but i didn't even do it properly. There's a series of photos on facebook where we laid down marshmallows and a pumpkin and made it look like pacman was eating it's way through it. Way too troublesome to blog that.

Anyway yes I'm out today. I'm really annoyed that my SAT scores aren't out yet.

2010-10-30T10:16:00.002+08:00

For the past few weeks, I've been listening to everything that is The Submarines. And I said to myself, this is love, this is exactly what I need to hear. And then, I find out their back-story; epic.

(I'm lifting this off wikipedia)

Working as solo artists in Boston, the two members of the band, John Dragonetti and Blake Hazard, were introduced through a mutual friend. Dragonetti and Hazard soon became romantically involved, and toured Europe together as members of each others band. The relationship lasted for four years, but ended in the fall of 2004 when the pair moved to L.A. After the break-up, both Hazard and Dragonetti continued writing songs, and because Hazard still recorded her music in Dragonetti's home studio, the pair quickly discovered the songs they had written were about each other and their sadness in having broken up. Knowing this, the duo decided to work on a few songs together and eventually got back together. The songs that they had worked on together were mastered for the couple as a wedding present, and those tracks eventually became their first album.

Song of Last Night

2010-10-24T12:51:00.000+08:00

2010-10-17T11:24:00.002+08:00

I am shaken. My beliefs and faith were thrown out the window, because I stood by them and did what I thought was right, and ended up getting fucked for it.

And I do not blame the individual perpetuating such a situation. I blame myself. Am I past redemption?

The night was spent in being with myself, gathering, in desperate prayer. I did cry, and there was a part of me that spoke of self preservation; why expose yourself in your most vulnerable. But more than that, it reminded me of the moral bankruptcy and contempt and disregard for others that used to be. And the hopelessness that was created is tough for me to handle when I put all my faith and efforts into following the good path.

2010-10-16T21:32:00.002+08:00

I'm burning, it's a fire; i can't put out, sophia.

There something warm that radiates out from the inside, left side. It's a pain, but I don't want to die, yet. It spurs me to get out and get going. It's not a pain it is just an intense longing.

And this longing is not for something better. No, I already spent most of this day helping out to make it happen. Been doing so for the past 2 months. I am longing for the best.

2010-10-16T20:37:00.000+08:00

Where are the snowdens of yesteryear?

2010-10-16T10:36:00.001+08:00

Look what I found in the dark recesses of my blog archives.

"you realise you're past adolescence when you look back at what was commonplace in your world and go, hey that was me being such a teenager. until you think of the really tough decisions, the kind grown-ups have to make, and you know you aren't quite there yet.

right now it seems like i should go both ways on two separate issues. neither is easy."

I'm there now.

2010-10-09T19:30:00.001+08:00

See, the ball isn't in my court anymore.

And while I think I'm playing tennis, I'm actually playing golf.

Ellipsis

2010-10-03T12:47:00.000+08:00

2010-10-03T04:39:00.003+08:00

"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made this my own, but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind, and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on towards the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you."
Philippians 3:13-15

2010-09-24T20:35:00.003+08:00

I have an artistic project proposed. Mixed media, collaborative.

Then there is another one that will take far more work, and in my mind's eye is both trippy and gritty.

These tend to have more thought and emotion than my most recent 'art project' - the making of 150 banzai styled headbands for my company's R&R night. To be worn as shown below.

Except that instead of a rising sun, the red words adorning the white pieces of cloth (which i bought whole, cut it) went along the lines of:

MORON
MAYHEM
MOFO
MELAYU
and more.

Come to think of it, Majulah would have been a nice word to make. But I did make 9 headbands that had 3 chevrons in the center with a cigarette on each side. Smoker's Pride.

2010-09-18T21:57:00.003+08:00

There are quite a number of things I've done this week that I am contented with.

Picked up the violin again. I ran below 10 mins for 2.4km. Superb navigation earned me the title 'homing pigeon'. Saw a good friend before he left, spent a lot of time and emotion in deep conversation and understanding. And I went sailing.

That's not me, but it's a laser pico. You wouldn't find me that professionally dressed either, but it's good to know I haven't lost all sailing 'skills'. I'd like to try some other boats, and with more exciting conditions. But it looks like a hobby (hopefully a hobie soon) i'm sticking with.

I'm Not Moving

2010-09-11T17:51:00.004+08:00

I love her.

Sailing By

2010-09-09T13:59:00.003+08:00

There's a friend I had always been very in sync with. When he cried, I would too. Gay right?

But misery has struck both of us at this time. And we retracted and became selfish towards one another. We both wanted to be nowhere, to be doing nothing. The world as we know it doesn't hold anything as good as we see it. We play an all or nothing game. That's ideals for you.

We very well can't be nowhere, we're always somewhere, and doing anything at all affects your life and those around you. We are wandering souls, and it irked for us to wander in different directions. That's when I called him crazy.

There's just such disconnect. When this world has no way of fitting together with what you are looking for. That's why we get so brazen, so disinterested in people, so eager to do new things, so eager to do anything without caring about safety.

It's a mid-teenage life crisis. I don't know how to label it? But we're doing stuff like going sailing.

2010-08-28T15:52:00.002+08:00

Last night I died while I was out. I don't remember a huge chunk of it.

All I know is that I lost my blackberry, threw up on myself, could not walk, and must have had my head on the floor because when I looked into the mirror this morning I was pretty fucking dirty. I'm most sad because all this happened to me when I was alone.

2010-08-23T02:00:00.000+08:00

Have you heard of the Stockholm Syndrome?

Would you like to see if it works?

2010-08-23T01:41:00.000+08:00

This night was spent tossing and turning, relentless.

My heart has to settle, but it will settle for only you.

It leaps and struggles, like it's trying to burst free and run back to where it should be. Once in awhile it's strong enough to jerk my whole chest off the bed. I never knew following my heart could be so literal, or that it would fight back if you don't listen to it, or that it's beat could be so painful. And not satisfied, the other little heart has to grab my pulse in suit.

Don't let her go.
You'll have to wait then.
My heart can't wait, it keeps me alive.
Violently, constantly, uncontrollably,
She's what it keeps beating for.

Dido, please.

2010-08-21T18:49:00.003+08:00

Keep This As Your Compass

2010-08-21T18:16:00.001+08:00